I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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