My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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