Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
