Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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