i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
