i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
