Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
