Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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