Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
