omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
