can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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