We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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