I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
God gave him joint rollers for hands
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
