it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
