If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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