Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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