I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
