Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
