Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
