u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
