i used baking grease as lip gloss
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
