How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
