I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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