You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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