so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Fuck appropriateness.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
