I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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