Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This show inspires me to have sex in space
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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