my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
