Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
