According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
