I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
