Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
