The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
