I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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