Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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