FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
