i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
