If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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