at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
