well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
