Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
