He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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