My liver just broke up with me...
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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