Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
