I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
