WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
