they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
True strength comes from lack of pants
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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