god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
