I want to have your abortion
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
