apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
