The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
